Rona Elisa

How to be more tolerant

I’ve been thinking about the subject of tolerance in light of International Day for Tolerance this Friday. At first I wondered how relevant a topic it is for my blog, but then I realized that tolerance is actually a key ingredient in most of the advice I give. With my blog I try to encourage you to live a life of love, openness, appreciation, positivity, kindness, fulfillment, and purpose. To be able to live this kind of life, you need to practice tolerance toward yourself and everyone else.

I also reflected on my own tolerance and where it could use some work. I think the number one thing that frustrates me is narrow-mindedness. It drives me crazy when someone decides their opinions are facts and refuses to listen to new information or other opinions. But I realized that being a tolerant person includes being tolerant of intolerance. It doesn’t mean agreeing with everyone or being a pushover, but just accepting and respecting others’ opinions and behaviors.

Causes of intolerance

You may have learned your intolerance toward a certain behavior, opinion, or group of people from your upbringing, culture, past negative experiences, or other events. However, a strong reaction to something external often stems from an internal struggle that you project onto external excuses. Carl Jung said, “everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.”

You may be dealing with your own insecurities, low self-esteem, or negative beliefs about yourself. To avoid having to face your own faults or to protect yourself from criticism, you may turn to refusing to accept others’ imperfections or differences in order for you to feel superior as the one casting judgment.

Why you should be more tolerant

Better relationships: People want to be around others who make them feel comfortable and appreciated. Intolerance pushes away people you care about by rejecting their personal traits. Being a good friend means supporting the other person, loving them for who they are, and appreciating that their differences are what make them special.

Better health: When you’re tolerant, your stress goes way down and good energy goes up. Holding onto rigid beliefs and being intolerant of everything else is tiring, stressful, frustrating, angering, and can do a lot of damage to both physical and mental health if you endure this stress long-term.

More inner peace: If you learn to be more accepting, fewer things will get on your nerves and cause everything else to start getting on your nerves until your whole day snowballs into a grumpy, cranky mess. You live more peacefully and harmoniously with yourself and your surroundings.

More positivity: Accepting others’ differences allows you to appreciate and benefit from all their qualities, especially the ones you don’t share. Living a life of love and appreciation of others is much more beneficial than living a life of negativity and narrow-mindedness.

Tolerance works better anyway: Being intolerant of someone’s beliefs or behavior won’t make them change to fit your standards and won’t protect you from criticism or cover up your flaws. It will only cause you to become stressed, to lose a friend, to miss out on what you could have learned from them, and to put off dealing with your own problems. Being tolerant allows you to appreciate diversity in all things, to benefit from new ways of thinking and living, to learn and grow as a person, and to open your heart and mind to others. Again, it doesn’t mean changing your beliefs to match the other’s (that will cause you stress, too) but rather allowing the other to live as he chooses. Live and let live.

“In the practice of tolerance, one’s enemy is the best teacher” – Dalai Lama

How to be more tolerant

Deal with the real underlying issues: Notice what you’re judgmental of and think about why you feel strongly about this subject. Is it due to a prejudice about a certain group of people? Try to work on any biases you have and give individuals a fair chance. Is it something you actually dislike about yourself? Forgive yourself for past events and failures and accept yourself as you are.

Be respectful: Even if you don’t agree with or approve of someone’s beliefs or behavior, that’s not reason to disrespect them. Treat others the way you want to be treated.

Be open to the unfamiliar: Holding on to your habits and ways of thinking is easier and more comfortable than exploring new unfamiliar options, which makes some people reject different ideas just because they don’t understand them. However, living life in this way keeps you from learning and growing and makes life mundane. Your way is not the only way, and exploring new ways of doing things keeps life interesting and allows you to actually live it.

Consider other points of view: If someone holds an opinion with which you disagree, try to understand where they’re coming from instead of rejecting them outright. Really listen to what they say and consider the reasons they believe what they believe. At the very least, remember that they have the same right to an opinion as you do, so agree to disagree without judging them for their opinion.

Put your relationships first: A difference in opinion isn’t worth throwing away a whole friendship. You can benefit much more from keeping your friend and letting a disagreement go than from keeping your rigid beliefs and letting your friend go. Again, being a good friend means supporting the other person, loving them for who they are, and appreciating that their differences are what make them special.

Be a positive influence: Intolerance comes with unnecessary conflict, stress, anger, and negativity for everyone involved. Instead of upsetting yourself and others, be a calm, positive force that makes others feel accepted and happy.

Choose your battles: You waste a lot of energy and generate a lot of negativity with each problem you have about other people. Keep things in perspective and try not to have strong opinions about things that aren’t really important. Learn to let things go. It doesn’t matter if two people have different opinions on a topic. They don’t need to do as you say or believe what you believe. As long as someone is not actively harming you, just let them do as they please.

What’s something you could learn to tolerate a little better?

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Does medication really work?

Q: I was wondering, have you ever thought that maybe, medicine lacks effectiveness? By that what I mean is the prescriptions and treatments are only temporary and the disease never truly vanishes, it comes back again.

We’ve made amazing advances in understanding and treating physical and mental illnesses. We owe a lot to medical research for finding treatments and cures and saving lives. The problem is in the way that these advances have been put into practice as easy quick-fixes that often suppress rather than solve the problem.

Many doctors are too quick to diagnose normal feelings as symptoms of an illness and to prescribe medication when it’s unnecessary. I once took a positive psychology seminar in which a clinical psychologist discussed a patient who had come to her office saying he was depressed “because he was ugly.” She prescribed him antidepressants, but the pills didn’t work so they had to find some other way to treat his depression. He took up karate, met a girl, and wasn’t depressed anymore. Sounds like it was definitely depression, right? The doctor said that “in a way they were lucky” because they had to try other approaches and it turned out that he didn’t need pills. I just asked her why pills were the first thing she gave him instead of the last thing they had to do after every other treatment didn’t work. She was confused by this question.

Many medications have serious side effects and some have lasting effects even after you stop taking them. We’re talking serious heart problems, neurological problems, etc. The doctors know that, yet the way medication is often administered is through trial and error on the patient himself. People can be taking pills that don’t even help them, and even do a lot of harm, just to see what will happen. When those don’t work they are put on the next set of pills to see what will happen on those. Further, patients who take a medication long-term can get used to that chemical or dose and need to keep increasing the dose or changing the medication.

Obviously, some people do need medication to treat their illness, and I am all for using medication when it will improve someone’s health. But those people with shouldn’t just be fed pills and turned away to let the pills do all the work. Living with an illness can make people feel lost, hopeless, and helpless—they need to talk about these feelings and to receive support and guidance through their treatment.

Further, natural healing practices such as meditation, yoga, ayurveda, reflexology, healthy diet, etc. have proven to be hugely beneficial for (and, even when used alone, have cured) many physical and mental illnesses, yet they are rarely prescribed in medical offices. I have absolutely no problem with medication if it’s what will best treat a person’s illness, but combining medication with natural methods that also give psychological support is definitely the best option for the person’s overall physical, mental, and emotional wellbeing.

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How I overcame depression

Q: I read your post that said you were depressed and I really want to know how you got better.. You see I’m really tired of being me, I’m really tired of this feeling. Thank you.

What worked for me in a moderate case of depression might not work for everyone, but I hope it can give you some ideas and hope.

I accepted my situation
I remained very self-aware and acknowledged all of my thoughts and emotions instead of burying them. I accepted that I was going through depression and I called it what it was instead of denying it or making excuses. I knew that it was no one’s fault and didn’t try to place blame or cultivate more negativity. I realized that feeling better was up to me, so I needed to be honest and accepting about what I was going through.

I made my internal and external environment positive
I started to notice anything that sparked a smile or a moment of happiness. I started to turn things around when spring was beginning, so I really made myself stop and appreciate flowers starting to bloom, sunshine on my face, etc. I surrounded myself with positive, supportive friends. I read positive blogs, surrounded myself with positive quotes and reminders to keep my thoughts positive and to motivate me. When I noticed myself having a negative thought or feeling, I tried to reframe it as a positive one.
How to see life more positively
How to be more appreciative
We are limited more by our attitudes than by lack of opportunities
Why you should stop complaining
Things to be grateful for

I believed I deserved happiness
I remembered that my natural state is almost overly appreciative of little things and excited about life. I reminded myself that I have plenty of skills and personality traits that are pretty cool. I focused on loving myself more, taking care of myself, and trying to help myself feel better.
Why you deserve to be happy
Why you need to love yourself
How to love yourself more
How to accept yourself
How to improve your self-esteem

I spent time with supportive friends
Interacting with people in general boosts your health and mood even if you don’t realize it at that moment. For me it helped a lot to spend time with a friend who had also had depression because I knew she understood what I was going through. But it wasn’t because we would sit and be depressed together— the opposite. She made me smile and laugh continuously because she’s silly, and she made me feel good because she’s very generous and a good person. I also noticed which of my other friends improved my mood and I tried to spend more time with them.
Share your secret and your burden. You’re not alone.

I helped others
I knew that I love making other people happy, so I would try to do something nice for friends and strangers. For me, making other people’s day makes my day too. I also did some community service which made me feel good by helping less fortunate people and made me remember how fortunate I am.

I took care of my physical health
I tried to eat healthily, sleep proper hours, and exercise more. I started meditating and doing yoga, which changed my life in several ways, including becoming part of my career later on. Physical health can have a huge impact on mental health, mood, and mood disorders.

I committed to getting better
I knew that I needed to take action to feel better and I was willing to put in the work and fight harder when my depression tried to bring me back down. I was aware of how I was feeling and what I was thinking at all times so that I could respond if I noticed myself starting to slip back down, reframe my thoughts, retrain my mind, and do more of what was good for me. Whenever I felt a little better, I tried to note why, whom I was with at that time, where I was, etc. and then tried to see those people more often and do more of those things that I knew would help me.

I asked for help
I asked my friend who had been through depression for advice and I confided in my close friends and family about how I was feeling. I reached out to campus counselling and some of my psychology professors for more experienced advice and to see if therapy would help me. I didn’t end up using therapy or other treatment because these changes in my outlook and actions worked for me. Sometimes just a spark of hope or positive action can be enough to get the ball rolling in the right direction. Luckily I have been back to my happy self ever since. I hope you get there soon, too. Lots of love and please feel free to ask me anything else.

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Everything was going great; why did I get dumped?

Q: Hiya! Your advice is always so helpful. I was hoping you could tell me how I can deal with rejection? Long story short, I had a fun relationship with a girl, she was immensely into me, messaging me obsessively and showing that she was very interested. Now, everything suddenly stopped, barely any contact. Did she just lose that connection?

I’m sorry to hear that, but honestly, it’s not an uncommon story. More importantly, it screams that she has issues on her end, not yours. She most likely has previous relationship baggage or other confused thoughts, feelings, or self-esteem issues making her behave so erratically. Try not to start wondering what you did wrong or what she didn’t like about you, because it’s almost definitely her problem and not yours.

Even if she did see something she didn’t like and decided that she didn’t want to see you anymore, suddenly cutting off all communication isn’t the way to let you know. I wouldn’t contact her first because usually this kind of sudden change means she’s uncomfortable with whatever issues she has that surfaced in her relationship with you, so she’s trying to avoid her issues by avoiding you. Therefore, if she feels like you’re clinging to her she’ll react even more.

She’ll probably contact you at some point to explain, so just let her do whatever she needs to do right now and see how things play out. But again, don’t start doubting yourself because of this- it’s her loss!

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Why you deserve to be happy

Q: Your blog is simply amazing and inspiring. I’m not sure if you can answer this, but - why do I deserve to be happy? And how could I convince myself that I deserve it, that I’m worth it? That I’m not just a waste of space?

Think about how amazing it is that you’re alive right now and how much you can do with that. How much fun you can have, how much good you can do for others, how much love you can give and receive, how many incredible experiences you can have. It’s not about deserving to be happy, it’s that not trying to be happy is throwing away the amazing things in your life that you’re not bothering to notice, when you should be appreciating and making the most of each one. We waste so much of life just existing, not paying attention, focusing on the wrong things, doing things we don’t want to do, making excuses for why we can’t do the things we do want to do, and always thinking about things retrospectively with regret.You say you’re a waste of space so you don’t deserve to be happy. I say if you’re not trying to be happy, THEN you’re, well, not a waste of space, but you’re wasting your life.

You’re alive NOW. You’re here and you have a world of opportunities and amazing things to experience. Instead of wasting time thinking you’re not worth it and looking back later and seeing all the ways you could’ve used the time you wasted, start using it now.

In a few years, you can be still doubting your worth, or you might realize that you do deserve to live your life and that you’ve wasted lots of time, OR you can start now and by then you can have tons of experiences that will have enriched your character, broadened and deepened your way of thinking, clarified your unique way to contribute to the world, and inspired you to appreciate and to make the best use of life everyday.

You don’t owe it to anyone or the world’s “space” to be happy. You should do it because if you’re not living your life in a way that makes you happy, you’re not living your life.

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How to help a depressed friend

Q: You seemed the best person to go to for help. My friend, lately, has been depressed, not so much in the sad sense, but I can tell she is down from how lethargic she’s been. I was just wondering if there was anything I could do to hopefully get her out of this slump? Sorry to make your life harder, but I confess I’m not one for listening, and I’m much better with actions to express myself than words.

First, it’s great that you’re trying to help your friend. As long as it is just a slump or pretty mild depression, plenty of things can help her, but she also can sink lower in that slump so it’s good that you’re trying to pull her out of it before that point.

Be a role model
Make yourself a positive figure that she can emulate and be a positive influence in her life that naturally makes her environment and experiences more positive. Keep your self-talk positive, express your positive feelings, praise her subtly in a way she’ll be receptive to believing, and when she expresses a negative thought, try to reframe it as a positive one.

Do more of her favorite activities
Take her for activities that she enjoys and is good at and that will make her feel good about herself. Try anything that you’ve have noticed makes her smile, laugh or excite/motivate her- her favorite funny movie or show, a fun activity, an exciting event coming up, friends that always make her laugh, etc. Activities that get her out of the house are even better, depending on how much she can get herself to go outside.
She will need some pushing and tough love, because when she’s in this slump, even if she wants to feel better, the tiniest thing can feel like it requires way more energy than she feels she has. Try to counter that by making activities enjoyable, easy, and naturally occurring. For example, bring friends over to the house if she doesn’t feel like going out. Or if she goes to class or work, you can suggest doing something right afterward, when she’s already out, dressed, etc., so it feels like less work for her than starting from home. When she starts having fun and feeling good, she’ll hopefully feel more willing to try to feel like that again and to take initiative to do more things that make her feel better. Whenever she seems to feel better, note what she’s doing at that time, who she’s with, etc. and then try to do more of those things.

Do good for others
Making other people happy makes you feel great, so do something nice for a friend or a stranger or volunteer for less fortunate people, and you’ll make their day and yours too!

Make sure she is physically healthy
Make sure she’s eating well, drinking water, exercising, and sleeping well. Physical health impacts a lot on mental health and mood, and exercise releases endorphins that will make her feel better in the moment. If she’s not up for going to the gym, go for a walk together, do a fun activity that doesn’t feel like exercise, try meditation together, etc. to get her physical health up.

Motivate her
No matter how much you help, recovering will take action from her end, so you need to show her that she wants to get better. Feeling better will be a gradual process, so don’t expect her to get better overnight, but it just takes a small spark to set off the process. With some motivation and such nice support from you, she can start feeling more hopeful and excited about her future.

Get professional help
Try these tips as a start, but if she needs more help than you can give her, encourage her to find a psychologist to talk to. Therapy changes lives and has saved so many people from the darkness of depression. If it’s possible, I highly recommend getting help from an expert so she can find the most effective way to get better.

It’s really nice that you’re concerned about your friend and trying to help her before it gets too serious. If you have further questions send me another message. Good luck!

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Why you need to love yourself before anyone else

Before you even consider being in a relationship with another person, you have to love yourself. If you love and accept yourself, you are able to accept someone else’s love fully, to know what you deserve from your partner, and to know what type of person is a good match for you.

Be secure with yourself
Many people hastily enter relationships seeking security from someone else in order to compensate for their own insecurities. However, until you truly love and accept yourself, you can’t receive love from someone else in place of your own self-worth. Even if you find a great partner who gives you love, your relationship is unstable—and can be unsafe—if you place your security as an individual in someone else’s hands. If you don’t face your insecurities on your own and reach a place where you love who you are when you’re alone, your insecurities will surface sooner or later and can ruin your relationship. Most importantly, and worst of all, you lose your identity as an individual if you define your worth in terms of love you receive. The void where your love for yourself belongs can never be filled by anyone other than you, as you can receive only as much love as you’re willing to give yourself.

Be comfortable with being alone and whole
Similarly, you shouldn’t seek love to avoid being alone. Many people enter relationships for the sake of not being single or because they feel they need a relationship to have a complete life. However, a relationship is not about finding the missing piece of your life so that you can be complete or happy. In a healthy relationship, each person joins the relationship happy and whole and then the couple creates a life together that they share while retaining their individuality. You have to feel secure and comfortable by yourself and establish who you are as an individual in order to begin a relationship with someone else. Moreover, when you love yourself and feel secure as an individual, you realize that you don’t “need” anyone else.

Know what you deserve
Further, you must love and appreciate yourself for who you are and who you can be to know what you deserve. If you don’t know what you deserve, you might seek love, but find things that seem like love instead—such as sex, gifts, or controlling/being controlled—and end up feeling only emptier. When you know that you’re a catch, you won’t let just anyone have you; they need to deserve you equally and earn your attention and feelings for them. You should have someone next to you who appreciates you, respects you, cares for you, believes in you, and encourages you to achieve your potential and follow your dreams. When you know what you’re worth, you won’t settle for less.

Know what you want
When you love yourself, you also figure out what kind of person you want as a partner. The right person for you has similar beliefs, outlooks, values, and interests to yours. If you don’t like yourself or a part of yourself, you might be attracted to people who have the qualities that you wish you had so that you might feel better about yourself or look better to others by having a better other half. However, a relationship isn’t about trying to change who you are or filling a void you think you have. It’s about loving yourself, knowing you’re complete as you are, and then being with someone else who likes the real you and who complements you, not completes you.

There’s a reason that there are so many quotes and cliches about needing to love yourself before anyone else can love you. Your relationship with yourself is the foundation for everything else in your life, especially your relationships with other people. If that foundation is not strong, everything else will fall through. If you love and appreciate yourself for everything you are and can be, everything else falls into place.

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How to see life more positively

“Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.” -Charles Swindoll

The way you experience life events depends on the way you interpret them. If you’re ready to believe the worst of everything, then that becomes your reality. If you keep your mind open and perceive things in a positive and forgiving light, your world becomes brighter and you become happier.

Say you notice someone staring at you. Do you immediately think that they were staring because they were judging you or making fun of you? Do you think there must be something in your teeth or something wrong with your clothes? Or do you think they were staring because you look extra hot today? If you think you must look stupid, you dwell on it, you become uncomfortable and self-conscious, it ruins your day, and so on, all for something that never even happened. If you think you’re being checked out for being hot and walk on with confidence, would it ever matter what they were really thinking? No. Maybe they were thinking about pizza while staring into the space that you happened to be filling. It’s a silly example, but it’s an example of taking any given moment and making it the best for you. If you open your mind to expect and seek out positivity, you make all your experiences positive.

On the other hand, if you wait for positive experiences to happen to you while your mind is not in a positive place… you will be waiting a long time. You have to be open to the possibility that every moment will bring a positive experience, and then that makes it much more likely that it will. Everything you experience acquires meaning only after you take it in and give it meaning yourself. You give that experience a context with the way you frame it in your mind and you give it meaning with the way you define it in your mind. You can think of your mind as a filter that allows in or keeps out as much positivity as you want. If you are in an irritable or self-conscious mood, you will filter out any positivity about your situation from entering your mind. If you open your mind to see the positives about your situation, you will allow more positivity in.

How to let more positivity in

To start seeing your life events more positively, try actively noticing things around you that make you feel good, happy, relaxed, proud, appreciative, hopeful, inspired, etc. Focus on all the positive aspects of the world around you in this moment. You will perceive whatever you’ll experience in the next moment with a much more open and positive mind. If a good thing happens, you might enjoy it even more. If a neutral thing happens, your positive outlook might find something good about it instead of overlooking it. If something happens that would ordinarily annoy you or ruin your mood, in that moment when your thoughts are in a good place, it will likely bother you much less.

At first you will have to do this consciously and whenever you remember, so it will be helpful to have visual reminders or to set aside specific times when you will focus on thinking positively. A good time to do this is during a time that you normally feel more irritable or negative, such as before a meeting or during your commute. After a while, your mindset will start to change and you will start naturally finding the good in things you’d normally overlook or even complain about. That’s the best part- when thinking positively becomes a habit and makes everything in your life better.

It can also help to write about your experiences if a negative situation is lasting more than a moment and taking over your thoughts. While trying to explain in writing why your situation is so bad, you will most likely realize that it isn’t! If that happens, switch to listing the positive aspects of the situation in order to see it in a more positive light and to see the ways that you might benefit from it or at least not let it bother you as much.

What are some ways that you train yourself to think more positively? Have you noticed a difference in your life overall when your mind is in a more positive place?

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How to accept yourself

Accept yourself for what you are and what you can be

If you look at yourself and only see your supposed imperfections, think about what being “perfect” or “better” actually means—it’s really just a strange, abstract idea that doesn’t mean anything, yet doesn’t allow us ever to be happy. Instead of holding an impossible goal of how you “should” be over your head, focus on all the great qualities you already have. Think about your strengths, skills, talents, personal attributes, unique things about you, and all the things about you that you like and are proud of. Instead of seeing the rest as flaws or imperfections, see them as room for improvement. State them as positive goals that will be good for your happiness and well-being, rather than as things that are wrong with you or that need to be fixed, and make sure to use positive wording. For example, instead of saying “I don’t want to be fat and ugly anymore,” rephrase it as “I want to become healthy/increase my strength/improve my stamina, etc.”

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We are limited more by our attitudes than by lack of opportunities

“The key to human happiness lies within our own state of mind, and so too do the primary obstacles to that happiness.” -Dalai Lama

How many times have you thought to yourself, “I wish …” or “if only …” but stopped there? Sometimes, no matter how much we might want something, it’s easier to continue doing what’s familiar and safe than to try to achieve a goal or dream if it means risking failure.

Our fear of failure causes us to doubt our potential and holds us back from living a fulfilling life. You can’t feel fulfilled if you have regrets at the back of your mind about all the things you never tried. But the reasons you might believe you won’t succeed at something are often not as scary or as limiting as you think.

Most of the time, we are scared of what we might lose if we do fail- usually money and time. We can also worry about what others might say while we are starting out or if we do fail. Scariest of all can be the disappointment that we might feel if we fail- and even an “I knew I couldn’t do it” feeling if we were wary of trying and our doubts turned out to be right.

However, you always have more to gain than to lose, no matter how big the risk.

First, the money and time that you invest in trying to achieve your goal will be worth it in the long run. Your first try didn’t work out, but it will inform your new approach to your second, third, nth try, which will work. The time and money you spend pursuing goals and dreams is lost only if you quit before it can pay off.

Second, we tend to overestimate how much attention other people pay to us and especially to our flaws. Most people will probably be indifferent, while people you know will likely be positive and supportive. They might even give you another perspective or helping hand and actually boost your success.

Third, the disappointment of failing is usually much more bearable than we expect it to be. In fact, it is a much better feeling to fail and know that you tried your best than to live with regrets and “what if”s for the rest of your life. The great feeling of going after your dreams makes the feeling of a failed attempt less disappointing and empowers you to get back up and try again. It’s a lot more disappointing to go through life having taken only the safe options and not allowed yourself to live.

The more you risk, and the harder you work, and the bigger you dream, the greater the reward.

It might be easier to cling to what you know you can do than to take a risk to see what else you’ve got in you. But it’s infinitely more fulfilling and exciting to set off trying to do everything you’ve ever wanted. Maybe you’ll fail; maybe you won’t be good at it but you’ll have fun doing it; or maybe you’ll find your calling. You never know until you try.

Consider what’s keeping you from pursuing your dreams. Are they impossible obstacles that you can’t overcome? Or is your biggest obstacle your limiting attitude holding you back? What possibilities and opportunities might suddenly be within reach if you give yourself a chance?

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Why you should stop complaining

Complaining doesn’t change your situation and certainly doesn’t help you solve your problem- it actually just makes everything worse.

Complaining makes your situation seem worse than it is.
Complaining draws more negativity in, clouds your mind, and ruins your mood. Further, wallowing in how hard you have it drains you of any motivation to find a solution, so you end up stuck in your situation for even longer without finding useful ways to solve it.

Complaining makes you feel worse, not better.
Describing all the ways this situation sucks makes you feel like everything sucks. You bring down your self-worth and your attitude about things unrelated to the problem at hand. Focusing on how bad this one problem is makes you forget how good everything else is and how much you still have going for you. When you skew your perspective to make it seem like this problem is the most important thing, you get overwhelmed and feel like you can’t handle it.

Complaining ruins your relationships.
If you’re dumping all this negativity on other people, you can bring them down with you or push them away because they don’t want to be around such negativity. Friends are valuable sources of peace and strength for you through hard times, but using them to complain instead makes you lose out on these resources who could otherwise be helping you through your problem.

You can get through a difficult situation much more smoothly and quickly by remembering this:

1. No matter how good or bad a situation is, sooner or later, it will change.
2. No matter how bad your current problem is, it could always, always, be worse.

Instead of complaining and using up your energy for negativity that is not just unhelpful but actually harmful, focus your energy on positive, useful, concrete things that you can do to make your situation better.
If you can’t do anything about it for now, then remaining positive or even neutral while you wait it out is always better than being negative. Better yet, instead of complaining about negatives, try being appreciative for your infinite positives and see how much more that helps your current situation and your life as a whole.

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How to improve your sleep

Sleep is one of the vital things we need to function healthily and to have enough energy to live fully everyday. Here are some ways to improve your sleep habits:

Do something that relaxes you like taking a bath or reading a book.

Go to bed every night at the same time and get up at the same time to keep your biological clock set.

Drink milk before bed. It metabolizes into melatonin, which regulates sleep.

Drink relaxing teas like chamomile that contain melatonin and tryptophan that tell your body to go to sleep.

Make your bedroom as dark as possible. Light tells your brain to wake up.

Avoid exercising less than 3 hours before bedtime. Even though you might feel tired, the endorphins and higher body temperature after exercising can keep you awake.

Don’t drink alcohol less than 3 hours before bedtime, because it throws off your body temperature, hormones, and REM cycle and disrupts your sleep.

If you don’t feel rested in the morning, try keeping a sleep diary. Keep track of what you were doing before you went to bed, what you were talking or thinking about or watching on TV, and then see whether certain activities made you sleep better or worse.

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How technology is ruining your relationships

“We’ve been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbour.” -Dalai Lama

We have all this amazing technology built for us to communicate better, but we are communicating less and worse than ever. We’re connected to hundreds of friends online, yet we’ve been left with few real, meaningful friendships in real life.

Social interaction meaning text on a screen is unnatural and pretty weird if you think about it. We’re not made to sit inside at a computer all day and interact with machines. We need real human interaction. But by getting used to texting someone instead of calling, emailing someone instead of meeting in person, “liking” someone’s post instead of showing a friend meaningful support, we’ve lost the closeness and significance in the way we interact with the people we care about. This is causing us to be more isolated from the world and people we want to be close with to feel more like acquaintances.

Lack of social interaction and meaningful relationships can lead to all sorts of bad consequences for our functioning in general. Study after study after study shows how beneficial social interaction is for our physical and mental health. People with more friends live longer, are less depressed, have a stronger sense of belonging and purpose, feel less pain from rejection, have more brain stimulation from friends, make other activities more beneficial, have healthier brain function, less cognitive decline with aging, and the list goes on.

I’ve seen this in my own mood, functioning, and health. I’m just as guilty of being on my computer and phone all the time, but I’ve seen time and time again how much happier I am to see my friends in person than to text them or see them through a screen. Just talking with someone for a few minutes directly feeds your health and happiness, both in the moment and long term.

Try to be more conscious of how you’re interacting with friends- when you’re about to text or email someone, call or arrange a meeting instead. Voice gets you closer than text and in person gets you closer than voice. It doesn’t matter if it seems less convenient or efficient- it’s still much healthier and more satisfying.

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How to pursue your life purpose

Once you define your life purpose, you will feel really excited and eager to start pursuing it (if not, you haven’t found it yet- go back to step 1!) You may realize that any stress or dissatisfaction you feel in your life is due to your going down a certain path in life while your passions and purpose are pulling you in another direction. Now that you’ve identified the direction you want to be moving in, you can eliminate your stress and dissatisfaction with life by changing your life to align with your life purpose.

Effecting these changes will be a gradual process since you’ve already established some pieces of your life and it will be difficult to suddenly change everything over to the new life you want. Depending on how different your new path is from your current path, you may have more or fewer, bigger or smaller changes to make and things to figure out. However, change, no matter how small, can always be scary. So, fear of change is something you’ll have to get over in order to live the life you want. It’s never too late to change your mind about even the most important parts of your life if you are unhappy with them. Sometimes life just doesn’t turn out the way you imagined it when you made the decision to pursue a certain career, to live in a certain city, or to be partners or friends with certain people. You never have to be stuck with the consequences of a choice if you find out that it’s not what you wanted after all. You can plan around and find a solution to even the biggest problems that might arise when you decide to make a life change, but no good can come from staying in a situation where you’re unhappy and where boredom, frustration, resentment, regrets, and “what if”s grow inside you. The sooner you admit your heart is somewhere else, the sooner you can take steps to follow it.

When you’re ready to start making those changes that will help you progress toward your goal, you need to identify the parts of your life holding you back from fulfilling your purpose. To figure out what might be standing in your way, imagine your ideal professional and personal life and then note any pessimistic thoughts that arise about the reasons you can’t attain it. These thoughts may relate to doubts about your ability to succeed, unsupportive parents/friends/partners, financial considerations, dependent children/family members, time constraints, or obligations or commitments you can’t back out of. The most important part of this step is to distinguish between the real obstacles and the obstacles that your mind creates from your own limiting attitudes and from fear of change—if you are what’s holding you back, that’s going to be your biggest obstacle.

The next step is to eliminate or reduce the influence of these things that are holding you back.

Categorize them according to:

Things that you can cut out entirely,

Things that you can’t cut out but can change or replace with useful things, and

Things that you can’t cut out or change, but whose influence you can reduce by changing your interpretation of them or the importance you place on them.

First, cut out the things that can be removed completely from your life. Start with the easiest ones so that you have some success early on—this way you’ll be able to see the positive results of your changes and you’ll feel motivated to continue with the more challenging changes.

Next, if there are things holding you back that you can’t cut out entirely, you still need to change or replace them in some way to make them less of an obstacle toward your success.

Finally, you need to tackle the things that you can’t remove and can’t change, but can only change your attitude toward them. Even if you can’t change your circumstances, you can always change the way you interpret them and let them affect you.

When you start removing the things that were holding you back from pursuing your life purpose, you open up room to start adding the things that allow you to move forward.

What are some changes you can make today, this week, this month, and this year that will bring you closer to your goals and to fulfilling your life purpose?

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How to forgive yourself

You can’t thrive until you work out any negative feelings, judgments, and grudges you’re holding against yourself and forgive yourself for them. There’s no way to space forward when past events are bringing down your self-worth. Even if you’ve done something that makes you feel guilty, angry, or disappointed in yourself, guess what? We all have! You haven’t done anything unforgivable, and the game isn’t over because of something in your past. Who you are is not defined by your past; who you are and can be is up to you to determine in the present and future.
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